Reflections
by Doggyrooroo
Summary: I'm Kacey, just plain Kacey. I'm stuck in a body that's not my own and I'm trapped. The trans tale story of Kacey/Robbie Barry and what happens next. From episode 8-18 and beyond.
1. Chapter 1

My name is Kacey Barry, just Kacey. Anyone would think I'd be ecstatic now, just winning the football. I scored, more than once. I managed to convince to let me play as a lad. It wasn't just the football that made me feel free see, it was playing as me. I had wanted this day as a test to see if I could do it be myself and I did. But after when they realised, I wasn't like everyone else. A girl, playing as a lad. I found myself in the changing rooms. It wasn't until the rest of the team came in and reminded me that I wasn't technically supposed to be there, no matter how much the guy's locker rooms cleared my head. Mum had said to 'Keep a low profile.' Being a useless Barry our reputation needed to be upheld, she didn't give a toss about me or Dyns or even Barry as long as we kept out the way. Walking down the corridor, a single solitary tear slid down my cheek, catching in the corner of my eye. I caught Zoe confronting Barry; no one would do that, especially not for me. Barry the one everyone fears but he's safe on the streets and people will go out of their way to keep him on their good side, underneath it all he's protective over us; I guess deep down he loves our family…that's what I thought anyway. The look on his face, sheer terror, fear and pain. He wouldn't understand, no one does. I've never felt more alone. I've betrayed everyone. It's like he suddenly realised, I suddenly realised. Beneath the short gelled back hair, the sporty tomboy, I wasn't born to be a girl. Being a girl for me wasn't right, I was trapped. Looking me up and down, total shock. I didn't even know what this was at best; I wasn't ready to come out, if Barry's reaction was anything to go by mum would be worse. Dyns would try to be nice about it but what does she know. If she can't then I haven't got a hope in hell.

When Miss Boston told me I could talk to her I saw a genuine glint of care beneath her usual cold exterior, breaking down. I almost found myself pooling out my emotions, sharing my most intimate thoughts, instead I just said plainly 'Can't I just join the others.' She knew there was pain behind my words.

The door getting locked make me stick my head up. It was Barry and he looked like he was ready to confront me. This. 'Is it true Kace?' he asked. 'Did you tell that Zoe you were a boy?' shaking my head trying to explain it wasn't like what he thought, except it was. 'I didn't tell considered the situation 'Maybe it can make her feel better for liking girls if she can make out you're a boy.' 'It wasn't like that.' 'Then what was it like?!' He stepped forward getting angrier more confused. 'You want the truth?' I admitted, he responded with a nod. This was it and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I rolled up my shirt, my carefully binding chest showing underneath. See, I had been on this website only across it once then I saved it in my favourites, re-opening and since I had done this every day. I found myself binding the strip of material around my sports bra. Bra, more of a sport top. My chest was only small anyway, concealing it wasn't a problem, and they said it would make it easier on the website. This morning I had put it on like every other day. 'What have you done?' 'Learnt how to do it on a website.' The short answer and his jaw literally dropped. The hard nut reputation of Barry being washed away. 'A website?!' he scoffed. 'I didn't even know I was looking for it, then I was going on it all the time, it's about how to make yourself pass as a boy.' 'So this is like some experiment yeah? Some prank?' 'No.' 'THEN WHAT IS IT THEN?!' he shouted. 'It's who I am, I can't help it.' Even with all this he just didn't understand. 'Are you a lezza is that it?' 'It's got nothing to do with it, it's about me, my body, it's not right and it's not mine! Today was supposed to be some sort of test.' 'What.' I nodded. 'To see if I could really do it, be who I am properly.' An evil glint appeared in my brothers eye, one I knew too well. He scoffed again 'This is my fault, always letting you tag along with me, treating you like one of the boys, no wonder you got confused. We're going to fix all this Kace, we're going to make it better.' He grabbed me by my hoodie, I had backed against the side, scared, pinned against the wall, I had frozen. 'You want to be normal don't you?' 'I just want to be me.' I admitted truthfully. Quickly he reached into Rhiannon's or Scout's bag from behind pulling out what looked like….that better not be. 'What are you doing?' 'You're a girl and I'm going to prove it!' he grabbed the eyeliner, lip stick anything and started to plaster it on my face. I felt sick 'Somebody help! Please!' There was always no reasoning with Barry when he ended up like this. was banging on the door 'Barry open the door!' I bit his hand running to the door just before it was smashed open. 'I'M NOT A GIRL I'M A BOY!' That was it, my secret, everything about me, out in the open. Everyone's mouths widened in shock whilst Barry pushed over the tables. If this was how he had reacted, and how the school felt…mum was going to kill me, I wasn't looking forward to going home tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

'Oi mind my nails!' Dyn screeched catching my match ball on her pad of her thumb just under the fake hot pink nails. That was Dyn all right. 'See you around?' I smiled at Zoe. I wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment but I was grateful, she had been here for me, accepted me for myself even when she realised I wasn't born a boy. 'Guaranteed.' Her small Scottish laden voice spoke. One last glance and I was away pushing down on the pedal of my bike, leaving her alone. Dynasty's heels clicking on the floor behind me.

Away from school, all the looks and whispers in the corridor it felt nice to feel the breeze in my hair, freewheeling down the road, relaxed. I didn't even pay attention to Dynasty until she spoke 'Kace, what happened today…we can talk….I mean…..I'm here for you.' Her eyes looked steady, sure. 'Can…can we not talk about it.' I begged her, to be honest I was scared of arriving home, confronting my fate.

Surprise surprise mum's light of her life Barry had already told her everything. No sooner had the door shut at 18 Narewood Drive mum had started, her reaction more than ten times worse than Barry's. 'Dynasty go away, I was a word with Kacey alone.' She growled, anger tinging her voice. Dynasty removed her hand from my back, any form of comfort stripped away. Barry jeering loudly from the landing, egging mum on. She grabbed me by the front of my hoodie pushing me down. 'KACEY EXPLAIN THIS UTTER CRAP I HAVE HEARD ABOUT YOU BEING A BOY!' She was in my face, danger spitting out, intensely. 'What….what do you want me to say?!' I stammered, I was scared and I was alone. 'THIS STOPS RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE A GIRL BETTER START ACTING LIKE ONE TAKE A LEAF OUT OF YOUR SISTERS BOOK WHY DON'T YOU!' Tears threatened to spill from my eyes as she threw me up the stairs, storming behind me. 'GET IN!' I walked quickly sitting down on the edge of my bed. 'YOU ARE A GIRL, AND YOU WILL BLOODY ACT LIKE ONE STARTING NOW!' She had only begun to show her true colours. 'I…..I can't!' There was a long black skirt laid out on my bed with shoes, a replica of Dynasty. 'YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!' She slapped me square around the face slamming the door. All I wished for right now was to plonk myself right back into the prejudice, the fear that I had when I walked the school corridors, it was better than being stuck here. She had confiscated my BMX, skateboard, my clothes, some of my DVD's, posters and my prized possession my football. She had replaced them with some of Dynasty's old things, everything she considered to be out of norm for a 'girl'. None of this was going to change me.

I grabbed the laptop, my cheek bright red throbbing slightly. I logged onto Facebook, I'd find Zoe and I promised I'd tell her how it went, she knew. Dynasty tried to be supportive when really she didn't understand and didn't have the time or place to try under this roof with mum disappointed about the family's reputation. The ping reminding me of notifications, I clicked and saw the worst. 'OMG YOU R A TRANNY U MAKE ME SICK!' was one message I came across. All these Facebook friends not one of them knew me and how I was feeling. Slamming it shut in anger, hot tears streaming down my face. I laid down on my bed, praying to god that tomorrow would be better although deep down I doubted that a lot.


	3. Chapter 3

I was sitting in the back of the car with Dynasty about to confront the horrors of school; a place not long ago I would have called my safe haven, a sanctuary. I was petrified to get out for the rumours that would be flying around, the comments, the whispers and besides all that I am disgusted to even look at myself as I don't feel like myself; mum has gone and done it making me wear a skirt. It wasn't that I was a tomboy style girl it was the fact that this was my body and me wearing a skirt wasn't right. 'Dynasty don't give me that look.' Mum looked angry. 'She won't get out.' Dynasty said truthfully. 'Kacey shift.' She snarled. 'No I'm not getting out.' I replied scared. 'You want a scene; I'll give you a scene girl.' I jumped as she grabbed me dragging me out to the pavement. 'Don't you even think about messing me about.' She sternly informed me, the finger of shame right in my face. She calmed down slightly noticing everyone walking in the gates. Straightening out my skirt and blazer she satisfied herself 'There we go that's better, right you put a smile on your face and you follow your mum.' She smiled creepily; I couldn't even manage a grimace. Mum grabbed her bag of Dyn before marching ahead into school to find Barry. Dyn stalled for a minute putting her arm around me protectively. 'I can't do this.' I admitted. 'Just…keep your head up and walk with me.' She suggested walking side by side with me; my big sister was really trying her best. No sooner had I walked in the gate; there were already pointing and whispers. Dyn walked in with attitude nothing changed there, myself however hanging my head in shame. Barry stood proudly at school overlooking until he saw me then scoffed. 'Last time I saw legs like that I had them with chips.' I pulled out of Dyns arm about to run or hit Barry straight around the face. Mum stopped him like a shotgun aware of the people around. 'That's enough, right when we go in remember what I said, you tell them nothin', right we deal with this, no one's business but ours.' She organised us, patting Barry and we were on our way into this hell hold.

I was walking down the corridor hearing the whispers 'I thought that was a boy.' 'Omg what does she look like!' They were mixed and messed up like myself. I didn't notice where I was going until I walked into Miss Boston by mistake. 'Kacey?' she said. 'Yeah sorry miss didn't see you there.' I muttered thinking she'd let me go, I couldn't look her or anyone in the eye, they didn't get me. 'Come with me.' She put her hand on my shoulder, leading me into her office.

'Take a seat.' She offered pointing at the plush chair sat opposite the desk. Normally I would have been sat here with my smug face like the time when I got kicked out of my old school for bad behaviour; that kid calling me a Dyke and a Tranny had it coming to him , around the time when I first didn't feel like myself. These times have been hard for me; I've held it all in and kept it from everyone and I was finding it hard to let go. I can't talk to Barry, mum even Dynasty without breaking our reputation, I hear you scoff at that word. Maybe I'm a mislead girl but they think I don't know how I feel but I do and my body doesn't feel right. I'm depressed, afraid, and I don't want them to stop loving me. I want them to appreciate and support me for myself; girl or boy, straight or gay, whatever I am or whoever I want to be.

'You know you can talk to me about anything, anytime. I'm not as touchy feely as the others here but I do care.' She reminded me looking me straight in the eye. I guess in a way she knew I wasn't myself, remembering the chirpy me when I was comfortable with the clothes I was wearing until now when I feel like any bit of dignity I had or felt has been ripped away out of my fingertips like a goalie missing a save by doing a massive dive when they aim for the crossbar. For the first time I felt myself lifting my head, teary eyed. 'Oh Kacey.' 'WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!' I shouted punching the table. She pulled me back examining my fist bruising slightly. 'We'll get you to the nurse in a minute. I mean you don't look very happy with what you're wearing, I could get you a spare P.E kit?' she suggested. 'Mum said I have to wear this….be more girlie y'know.' I gave her a fake smile but knowingly she knew it wasn't like it all seemed. 'Less you?' she poked out the truth like I couldn't keep it from her or anyone anymore. 'How would you know?' I shot back through gritted teeth. 'Well when I was your age…I wasn't like anyone else. I didn't dress all girlie either, first someone called me names for a joke but when I questioned my sexuality I knew they were right. I was bullied a fair bit so I joined the army, sorted the men from the boys I'll tell you that part.' She smiled then reminiscing the memories, slightly sadly. 'I know it's not the same but I know what it feels like to be hurt or different than everyone else, what I need you to know is it's ok and if you need to talk , anytime I am here, no judgement promise.'

After that I ended up telling her it all; about mum, Barry, Dynasty, fear of rejection, the Facebook messages, not liking my own body, the idea of self-harm and how Zoe had helped at the same time as hurting. She put her hand on my shoulder before pulling me into a hug rubbing my back and for the first time I saw a maternal side to the no nonsense Boston Bruiser.


End file.
